I rarely find myself “in the moment”. I’m usually busy, constantly thinking about the tasks that need to be completed pondering of how the previous evening had gone or just zoning out. Especially in recent months where I have been least present to the present than I have ever been before. But this evening was different. I wasn’t just “in the moment” I was lost in it…. and frolicking in it… and I treasured every second as if it was possibly my last. Oh how I will miss my evening drives home, windows down, and smells of night air. I wonder how I will be able to survive by not seeing the silver moon and specks of stars every night. No. My world is about to be replaced by constant noise pollution, smell of exhaust fumes and street fumes on every corner, and nothing but neon lights and giant tv screens on huge buildings for miles down and miles up.

My world is about to change. All that I am used to will vanish as soon as that plane lands. The people will look different. The scenery will be different. The smell will not be the right smell. But I chose this. And as terrified as I am I know I must go because if I don’t my mind will be that of a 18 year old’s and my spirit may completely fade and I will be left with nothing but this soft outer shell. Home has been feeling more like home… and leaving it is easier said than done. My time here is running out and I am finally realizing how each and every minute counts. I refuse to waste the few I have left.

Maybe this next chapter is just what I need. I am afraid. I realize that I have a 50/50 chance. Living in a foreign land, by myself for a year… it will be my cure or it could bring me back to depression. At this point I feel that I don’t have a choice. If I don’t leave then I am stuck in this mind set… this life. I can’t do this any longer. And I refuse to. I can’t stop playing the “what if” game. What if I get worse? What if I can’t do this? What if this doesn’t work? I don’t even know what i’m suppose to expect. I can’t even imagine what it may be like. As far as my head has been going… I can’t think beyond this moment. I can’t imagine tomorrow. I can’t picture my dreams. I hate that. But I need to stop trying to bring that part back… it just makes things worse. I will just continue doing what I am doing. I just wish I could feel. I just don’t want to feel any hurt or any pain.I just wish the numbness could just go away.
I have no idea how my story will go… but atleast it is going.

I’m sick of down playing my feelings, my wants, and my needs. I hate being expected to plan every event… I have not been wanting to go to any of them. But I do. And I do it all for you… and you… and you… and you…yes all of you. I have put myself on hold. As much as I love you all… I have to love myself the most. And I haven’t been doing that. I’ll be leaving soon. And everytime I hear: “…oh my god… what are we going to do without you”… you can almost reel me back in… but I’m not going to fall for it this time. I’m leaving you guys. And this time it’s for good. I hope when I come back I can be proud to see that you guys have experienced growth, your own memories, and learned not to be so god damn needy.

Everything has been shaken and turned upside down and I feel broken and see things in little tiny pieces. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to save and what I’m suppose to throw away. I know that it will all be okay. But all this work… it’s daunting. I have moments when I just want to walk away and ignore this mess. And there is no one else who can come and clean and fix this mess. It’s my mess. Only I know how to fix it. So… I’m going to have to do just that.

It is the biggest challenge of my life. It is the most important. I may lose everything… end up with very little. It’s a risk but at least it’s honest. That’s what I want. I want the truth. I want to be real. I want to strip myself of all this and be naked. Unashamed. I want to wake up. It’s not going to be easy. I am going to struggle. I may want to stop. But I won’t. I can handle it. This is worth it. I’m going to be okay.

But what about her? Who does she turn to? Who does she depend on? Who will be there for her? Yes, she is loved by many and she is grateful for that… but why does she still feel so alone. Maybe that is why she is leaving. She can’t deal with the loneliness any longer. This is no longer working. She must turn into something else… or I must see who it is that is deep inside of me and maybe I will gain the happiness that I need… that I want. This is all so confusing. Identity crisis at my age? This must sound so pathetic. But I don’t care. I just need to figure out this truth.

I am trying to be her for all of you. I don’t know how much longer I can. I am trying to make it as subtle as possible. I must be me for me. I know many will not like this. I know most of you are confused by this change in me. I wish I could be her… it would make things much easier on all of us. But she is leaving. And I can no longer be her. I am so unhappy. Normally, I would just try to deal with it. But this feeling is not going away. I am miserable. Please let her go. Let me be me because if I can’t my spirit will surely die.

I always felt that I had a good head on my shoulders. I haven’t always made the best decisions but as I got older I knew what I wanted in a relationship and knew what it would consist of in order to work. And I’ve told myself these past couple of years that there’s no point in jumping into a relationship because I wasn’t ready. You know, very logical and rational type thinking. So I’ve rarely dated- and when I say rarely I mean practically never, and I’ve never had a “real” boyfriend, and I’ve forgotten what it is like to even be in a relationship. Anyways it was a decision I’ve made and I’ve been quite content with it. But maybe that’s my problem- I keep trying to control and contain all the feelings and emotions inside of me because I know that I need to be a certain way for God knows what reasons.

Anyways, the doctor continues- you need to create something with another being you need to have experiences that you’ve never had, you need someone who’s going to be there for you, and support you, and help you, and blah blah blah. So I tell him I don’t believe such a person exists. He says I probably don’t think there is a person like that because 1. I haven’t tried looking and 2. I play the same exact role in all my relationships (and I mean nearly every one) which is the helpful, happy, reliable friend. And that’s true. All i know how to really be for other people is that type of person. And that kinda made me sad because I feel as though I have a lot more to offer than just that and I would hope that people would want to be my friend for other reasons besides just that. I don’t know. I’m wondering if maybe I do need to try being in a relationship but I am the type that really doesn’t want to unless I’m ready- and I don’t feel as though I am. So it’s a dilemma. So yeah… I don’t know. I feel like some things got figured out somewhat but there’s still more stuff that needs to be. I don’t really know. I don’t really know much of anything these days. Okay I should stop now- because I’m starting to drive myself crazy…. again.

Seeing the psychotherapist tomorrow… he better not do that silence bullshit again… and have me figure out my own stuff. He’s suppose to give me some damn answers- isn’t that why he’s getting paid? Sometimes i just wanna go F-U to him. Well i hope he can help me just clear my head and organize some thoughts and gives me more direction with the whole identity thing.