Filed under: Life, Self | Tags: Fear, Feelings, Future, Growth, Identity, Journey, Leaving, Lost, Maturity, Moment, Saddness, Spirit, Time
I have tried to push the thoughts of me leaving home as far away from my mind as possible… but these thoughts are pushing back harder. I’ll be leaving in 6 days to a foreign country for a year and no matter how hard I try to ignore it I can’t.
I rarely find myself “in the moment”. I’m usually busy, constantly thinking about the tasks that need to be completed pondering of how the previous evening had gone or just zoning out. Especially in recent months where I have been least present to the present than I have ever been before. But this evening was different. I wasn’t just “in the moment” I was lost in it…. and frolicking in it… and I treasured every second as if it was possibly my last. Oh how I will miss my evening drives home, windows down, and smells of night air. I wonder how I will be able to survive by not seeing the silver moon and specks of stars every night. No. My world is about to be replaced by constant noise pollution, smell of exhaust fumes and street fumes on every corner, and nothing but neon lights and giant tv screens on huge buildings for miles down and miles up.
My world is about to change. All that I am used to will vanish as soon as that plane lands. The people will look different. The scenery will be different. The smell will not be the right smell. But I chose this. And as terrified as I am I know I must go because if I don’t my mind will be that of a 18 year old’s and my spirit may completely fade and I will be left with nothing but this soft outer shell. Home has been feeling more like home… and leaving it is easier said than done. My time here is running out and I am finally realizing how each and every minute counts. I refuse to waste the few I have left.
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