Filed under: Life, Self | Tags: Fear, Feelings, Future, Growth, Identity, Journey, Leaving, Lost, Maturity, Moment, Saddness, Spirit, Time
I have tried to push the thoughts of me leaving home as far away from my mind as possible… but these thoughts are pushing back harder. I’ll be leaving in 6 days to a foreign country for a year and no matter how hard I try to ignore it I can’t.
I rarely find myself “in the moment”. I’m usually busy, constantly thinking about the tasks that need to be completed pondering of how the previous evening had gone or just zoning out. Especially in recent months where I have been least present to the present than I have ever been before. But this evening was different. I wasn’t just “in the moment” I was lost in it…. and frolicking in it… and I treasured every second as if it was possibly my last. Oh how I will miss my evening drives home, windows down, and smells of night air. I wonder how I will be able to survive by not seeing the silver moon and specks of stars every night. No. My world is about to be replaced by constant noise pollution, smell of exhaust fumes and street fumes on every corner, and nothing but neon lights and giant tv screens on huge buildings for miles down and miles up.
My world is about to change. All that I am used to will vanish as soon as that plane lands. The people will look different. The scenery will be different. The smell will not be the right smell. But I chose this. And as terrified as I am I know I must go because if I don’t my mind will be that of a 18 year old’s and my spirit may completely fade and I will be left with nothing but this soft outer shell. Home has been feeling more like home… and leaving it is easier said than done. My time here is running out and I am finally realizing how each and every minute counts. I refuse to waste the few I have left.
Filed under: Depression, Optimisim, Self | Tags: Disconnected, Effort, Fear, Feelings, Future, Growth, Hopelessness, Leaving, Nothingness, Progress, Struggles
I may not be doing great. I may still have moments when thoughts of my misery and hopelessness want to creep into my soul and begin to take over my mind and body once again… but I have more power this time. I can push those feelings aside and function. Do what I need to do. In many ways I feel angry that I have to disconnect myself from my feelings in order to remain sane. Where has my spirit gone?
Maybe this next chapter is just what I need. I am afraid. I realize that I have a 50/50 chance. Living in a foreign land, by myself for a year… it will be my cure or it could bring me back to depression. At this point I feel that I don’t have a choice. If I don’t leave then I am stuck in this mind set… this life. I can’t do this any longer. And I refuse to. I can’t stop playing the “what if” game. What if I get worse? What if I can’t do this? What if this doesn’t work? I don’t even know what i’m suppose to expect. I can’t even imagine what it may be like. As far as my head has been going… I can’t think beyond this moment. I can’t imagine tomorrow. I can’t picture my dreams. I hate that. But I need to stop trying to bring that part back… it just makes things worse. I will just continue doing what I am doing. I just wish I could feel. I just don’t want to feel any hurt or any pain.I just wish the numbness could just go away.
I have no idea how my story will go… but atleast it is going.
Filed under: Life, Self | Tags: Exhaustion, Feelings, Friendship, Frustration, Growth, Guilt, Leaving, Loneliness, Love, Sacrifice
I’m sick of this shit. I’m sick of being so damn people pleasing, the messenger, the glue, everyone’s fucken best friend, helping everyone, always making sure confrontation doesn’t occur, trying to keep the peace within my social circle and making sure crisis doesn’t happen to us. It’s totally my fault. This is the role I’ve been for you guys for all these years. I’m exhausted and feel under appreciated… and I am resenting you all. Trust me. I am so grateful that I am always feeling loved by everyone. I love how you guys make me feel special and realize how big a role I play amongst us all. But I’m so tired of doing this all on my own. Isn’t it ironic? I am loved more than most people by many people… yet I am so alone. Because no one wants to help. No one wants to listen to my problems. No one is able to be my shoulder. No one will show any empathy for me … yet I give it all to you. You have no idea how much I have sacrificed for you all. There is nothing left in me. I’m empty. And what’s worse is that there is no more “me” left for myself. But like I said… this is my fault. I was the one that let everything get out of hand. 
I’m sick of down playing my feelings, my wants, and my needs. I hate being expected to plan every event… I have not been wanting to go to any of them. But I do. And I do it all for you… and you… and you… and you…yes all of you. I have put myself on hold. As much as I love you all… I have to love myself the most. And I haven’t been doing that. I’ll be leaving soon. And everytime I hear: “…oh my god… what are we going to do without you”… you can almost reel me back in… but I’m not going to fall for it this time. I’m leaving you guys. And this time it’s for good. I hope when I come back I can be proud to see that you guys have experienced growth, your own memories, and learned not to be so god damn needy.
I’m floating around aimlessly. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know where I’m suppose to be. I don’t know where I’ll end up. And I don’t know how I feel. But in a strange way I feel that I am being safely guided to discover who I am, to the place I’m suppose to be which will lead me to where I’m suppose to go and I will feel at peace. I trust this. I have faith in Him. It will be okay.
Everything has been shaken and turned upside down and I feel broken and see things in little tiny pieces. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to save and what I’m suppose to throw away. I know that it will all be okay. But all this work… it’s daunting. I have moments when I just want to walk away and ignore this mess. And there is no one else who can come and clean and fix this mess. It’s my mess. Only I know how to fix it. So… I’m going to have to do just that.
It is the biggest challenge of my life. It is the most important. I may lose everything… end up with very little. It’s a risk but at least it’s honest. That’s what I want. I want the truth. I want to be real. I want to strip myself of all this and be naked. Unashamed. I want to wake up. It’s not going to be easy. I am going to struggle. I may want to stop. But I won’t. I can handle it. This is worth it. I’m going to be okay.
